Today I made my return to running. And it was freakin’ cold. Naively, I put on a t-shirt and jogging pants. Went out for a 30 minute run, and came back just 10 minutes after starting. Fall is officially here…or maybe we skipped straight to winter?

In spite of the freezing cold, it felt great to be back to running again. It felt normal, which is a feeling that I’ve been missing lately. Coping with a tragedy is a unique experience for everyone, but there are generally two different ways people try to deal with loss: by changing things, or keeping them the same.

For me, this isn’t all or nothing. There are some areas of my life where I want to do something completely different. But there’s a longing for most things in my life to go back to the way they were–normal. Not that this is practical. There’s an innocence that used to be present in my life that is now gone. There’s no way to get that back. Thinking about my baby’s death makes me sad. That will never completely go away in this lifetime.

But there are many things that I can do. I can take care of Sweet Toddler James. I can keep going to work every day. I can worship with my amazing friends at church on Sundays and hang out with them during the week. I can go to playdates, shop at the grocery store, make dinner for my family. And I can run.