There’s no subtle way to write this post to you, dear friends, so please allow me to be open and honest. Yesterday I found out that my child died in my womb a week ago. The baby was about 9 weeks old when he or she passed away. It is a surreal and humbling experience to lose your child. Toby and I loved our baby even though we don’t know the gender and didn’t yet have a name picked out.
The pain of this loss has not fully hit me yet, but waves of grief have come over me as we have called relatives and friends to tell them the sad news. The joy of carrying a baby abruptly turns into deep sorrow when you find no heartbeat on the ultrasound. There is much to be said about the agony of seeing your pregnant form in the mirror and knowing you will never get to rock, kiss, play with, or hear the sweet giggles of the baby inside of you. But this is all too raw and new to share at the moment.
In the midst of it all, I feel a peace that truly surpasses any understanding or logic. The God that is holding me in His arms is Faithful and full of Mercy. Blessed be His name, as birth and death belong to Him. I find comfort in the words of others who can say what I feel in more eloquent terms. John Piper expressed his grief as a grandfather at his granddaughter’s funeral. During the time when I was pregnant with my Sweet Baby James (who is now really my Sweet Toddler James) John’s daughter-in-law, Molly Piper, lost her child just days before her due date. Her words are so real and beautiful.
Thank you for your continued patience and support of this blog and me. Please understand that I desire to keep my commitment to run for West Side Park, but will be forced to take a break from running. I do not look forward to the physical battle that awaits me in the upcoming days. Already I feel achy and exhausted. There are many decisions to make and health concerns as the baby is still in my womb. Please pray for God to extend this feeling of peace that I have in the midst of the storm. Pray that my grieving husband will be given strength to get through these trials. Again, many thanks for your support, thoughts and prayers.