James has a different personality than the majority of kids I’ve encountered in my entire life. I wrote about this before, and it is still very true that James is a high need kid. At 15 months old he still does not sleep through the night. He still screams frequently throughout the day, especially when he has to be confined in some way (like having a diaper put on, being buckled into a car seat, being locked out by a baby gate, etc.). James is intense and not very compliant.
Becoming a first time mom is tough. Adding a high need child to the mix can push you to the brink of insanity. It is almost like keeping a terrible, awful secret. I constantly feel pressure (from myself and from society) to smile and say “Oh things are just perfect!” rather than truly admit that some days are filled with desperation. There are the nagging fears that maybe James is autistic or has some other type of disorder. Sometimes the doubts settle in that I wasn’t really meant to be a mom.
Browsing the web, I stumbled across the blog of another mom with a high need child. She writes about her struggles, highs and lows in such a raw, honest way. It leaves me in tears and also helps me feel…less isolated. I long for a high need support group. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Of course, with all our children running around screaming at us, we wouldn’t be able to talk to each other. But at least we’d all be together. And we’d understand.